Impossible God

Today I heard a sermon from Pastor Nina at New Life Church entitled “A Divine Invitation from God”. In the sermon, Pastor Nina quotes Watchman Nee saying “God never asks us to do anything we can do. He asks us to live a life which we can never live and to do a work which we can never do. Yet, by His grace, we are living it and doing it.” Pastor Nina continues by saying that God will call us to do the impossible. In fact, if it’s something we can do on our own, it is probably not from God (loosely quoted). After hearing this, I began to reflect on the impossibilities that God has called me to. Immediately, the wall came to mind. 

The original "plan" 

In 2020, we began building a perimeter wall around a property we have in Guatemala. Building a wall to enclose the property is the first step to constructing our ministry home. We had an initial idea about what it was going to look like but had no idea of how it was going to come together. Our land is just over ½ an acre and the wall would be 788 linear feet and 9 feet tall. At that time, I had pretty limited construction experience, and if you had told me that I would be building a wall I probably would have laughed.  We also had no idea what it was going to cost or how we were going to pay for it. 

Raul Working on the Panels 

In March of 2020, I went to the States to visit my sister. During this visit, the pandemic exploded across the globe, and I ended up being “stuck” in the US for seven months and unable to return to Guatemala
as the borders and the airport were closed. It was during this period of time that my husband, Raul, began constructing metal panels for the wall. The wall at that time was pretty much only a dream. We still had nothing to attach these metal panels to (thank God for a visionary husband). After I returned to Guatemala, Raul began working with local construction workers to dig the ditch for the footings, place support beams, and connect the initial rebar panels in the base of the wall.   

Me "Playing with Rocks"

As 2021 started, I felt an urge to start working on the wall. I had been hands off until this point, but the pandemic was dragging on, there were no classes at the school where we serve, and the death of my mother in December left me feeling like I needed “do something”. Raul and I had talked about constructing the base of the wall from mortared rocks, so I started to Google. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew there was an urgency in my spirit to act. I had never worked with cement, lime, or rock before. My thought was “well, Jesus… let’s see if this works…”  and I “stepped out of the boat”! I still remember starting in the initial corner in January 2021, and little by little, working section by section, we placed mortared rocks on both sides of the rebar panels. We learned a lot doing that first side, and also realized that if we wanted to work faster, we were going to need funds to buy the materials. 

In August 2021 we officially started fundraising to build the wall. Our initial cost projection was $10,000… and then building materials skyrocketed and our costs jumped to $16,000. Honestly, fundraising for a project from Guatemala during a pandemic seemed impossible. I felt like we were trying to sell a “pipe dream” when all we had was a few mortared rocks and a partial ditch. BUT, GOD.  We made a video which we sent out to supporters and churches and little by little the funds started to come in. 

Mortared Rock Base of the Wall 

One mortared rock at a time, we made our way around the base of the wall. There were days we laughed, days we cried, and days we decided to “try again tomorrow”.  We got faster, perfected our lime mortar mix, and used muscles we never even knew we had. In February 2023, we finished all 788 linear feet of mortared rocks to form the base of the wall. Our next step was making a home for those metal panels Raul had made three years prior. 

Even though we only had a vague idea of what the wall would look like when Raul started the panels in 2020, he made EXACTLY the number of panels we would need for the front (street side) of the property.  Initially we planned to use metal panels on all the sides of the property, but then found it was more cost effective and less maintenance to put concrete on the remaining sides of the wall, and we had just the right number of panels for the front of the property. 

Pouring Columns

We all agree that pouring the concrete columns on the front of the property was THE HARDEST part of the entire wall. Due to the size of the molds we were using, the columns were poured in two parts (two days). It was nerve-wracking trying to get the columns lined up right and the rebar pins placed just right to support the panels, but we did it. Next it was the child-birth-like process of inserting the panels between the columns and anchoring them to the pins. There was more than one column to chisel and more than one panel that needed to be cut down. I still remember when we got the last panel anchored in place… we all collapsed on the ground in the shade. 

The Front of the Property 

Putting the Rebar Panels In

As we worked on the base of the wall, we also slowly put in the rebar panels that would serve as the support for the top portion of the wall. The top portion of the wall is made with a ferrocement technique. In ferrocement, rebar panels are covered with chicken wire on both sides and then a concrete mixture is troweled onto one side and then the other to completely coat the materials. We had literally ZERO experience in ferrocement, and when we did the first trial section in June 2023, I remember thinking here’s another crazy God idea! 

Ferrocement on the Remaining Sides

As with many things, we improved our ferrocement technique as we gained experience. We mixed over 500 wheelbarrow loads of concrete, learned the right consistency for the mix depending on the side of the wall, learned the right amount of pressure and
angle to use to apply the mix, and got pretty efficient at applying it. In May 2024 we were blessed with a construction team from New Life church that helped us knock out 52 ferrocement sections of the wall! Their visit gave us the energy and motivation to keep going despite feeling like we were never going to finish. And in October 2024,  we applied the ferrocement to the last section of the wall and the major work of the wall was FINISHED. 

As we inched closer to finishing that last section of the wall, we sang  “Goodness of God” through tears and laughter. Three years. Three years of blood, sweat, tears, cement, rocks, and mortar. Three years of watching God move, watching Him unveil the next steps as we worked, watching Him convert what felt as a pipe dream into a reality, watching Him provide funds at just the right time, watching Him multiply materials when we knew we didn’t have enough, and watching Him protecting us from a SINGLE INJURY (other than minor cuts/scrapes). ONLY GOD. HALLELUJAH. 

Finished

When I heard Pastor Nina’s sermon today, I thought about our Impossible God and what He has done over the past three years on our property. If you had told me that it was going to take three years, I am not sure I would have started. But I will say that in the past three years God has taken me so much deeper, walked with me through some major storms, and made me realize that even though the crazy God ideas seem impossible, we serve an Impossible God. Thank you, Jesus. 

Pastor Nina’s sermon: https://youtu.be/ac7OWgNPVJw?si=OrXrX1FwL4dQBlpk

To find out more about our ministry in Guatemala, head to our website: www.graciaministries.com

In the Midst of Chaos

This year I had the “honor” of flying the day that the Microsoft outage caused worldwide disruption of the airlines’ scheduling systems. I was flying from Raleigh Durham to Houston (and onward to Guatemala City) and our takeoff was delayed for three hours due to thunderstorms in Houston. Unfortunately, this delay caused me to miss my onward flight to Guatemala City and as we were traveling to Houston… the Microsoft outage hit.

Traveling

When I arrived in Houston, I made my way towards my gate which was at the end of the concourse.  As I got closer to the gate, the sea of people became overwhelming. I literally had to squeeze and push past people to make my way to the desk to speak to an agent. As I pressed my way through the crowd, I
noticed that none of the screens at the gates were on and there was no way to confirm which flight was leaving from which gate other than the frazzled airline agents attempting to announce information over the PA systems. People were frustrated and frazzled as they were missing their flights. Computers were down. Airline websites and apps were spotty at best. Gates were changing and information was not correct on the flight monitors. It was chaos.

When I finally got to the desk at the gate, the agent advised me that the next available flight to Guatemala City would arrive TWO DAYS LATER. A quick online search revealed that there was NOTHING available to Guatemala City on any airline for less than $2000 to arrive that day. I accepted the ticket to arrive two days later and got to work searching flights. I had a friend flying into Guatemala City that same day and a mission team coming. I NEEDED to get back ASAP.

One thing I have become well versed in living overseas is putting together itineraries with bits and pieces. I was able to book a flight from Houston to New Orleans, then New Orleans to Ft Lauderdale using the credits from my original flight. I would then switch carriers in Ft Lauderdale and fly out EARLY the next morning to Atlanta. My final flight would be Atlanta to Guatemala City, and I would arrive around 1pm. I would have a six-hour overnight layover in Ft Lauderdale, so sleeping in the airport was also in the cards but I could make it to Guatemala City the next day and pay only $270. I took a deep breath, purchased the itinerary, and headed towards my gate to take me to New Orleans.

New Orleans is one of my all-time favorite cities. The music, the food, the ambiance… even in the airport the whole vibe is different. On my layover in NOLA, I just wandered around the airport and breathed in everything. I deeply inhaled the smells of cajun and creole cooking, listened to jazz piped into every corner of the building, and could hear God’s whispers to my heart that everything would be ok. If I had to detour, New Orleans is probably the place I would pick. Next stop would be my overnight in Ft Lauderdale.

              My Chairs      

If you are ever forced to overnight in an airport, there are websites that will give you the intel on the best places to sleep (big chairs WITHOUT armrests between them, quiet corners, etc). Upon arrival, I directed myself to one of the suggested areas in Ft Lauderdale airport and I managed to score a WHOLE ROW of big chairs without armrests! I felt a little guilty for the people I passed by who were attempting to sleep twisted across armrests of chairs. I stretched out on my chairs, pulled my suitcases close, put in my headphones with white noise, and draped my scarf over my face and settled in. Yes, I COULD have gotten a hotel, but with just six hours of time I opted for an airport nap instead of spending money to stay in a room for three or four hours. Besides, there are things that happen in the middle of the night at the airport that you just don’t experience when you opt for a hotel…. Like the 2am robot cleaners.

 

At 2am I could “feel” that something was moving back and forth in front of me. I couldn’t hear anything due to my headphones, but as I uncovered my face, I felt like I was in a sci-fi movie or one of those hidden camera shows. Directly in front of me at the other side of the hallway was what looked like a big square trashcan moving back and forth completely unattended and unassisted.  I watched in awe as it moved back and forth with no one guiding it thinking… what is this thing?!! Is this the end of the world? That’s when I realized that it was cleaning the floors and was some kind of cleaning robot… Yes. Cleaning robots at 2am. Add that one to the unexpected happenings on this trip. After watching the robot for a few moments, I returned to my chair fort and tried to get more sleep before my early flight and secretly hoped that it wasn’t an assassin cleaning robot 😊.

The Sunrise

As 6am approached, I walked to my gate and nervously awaited updates. After a few moments, I stood up to stretch, and that’s when I saw the sunrise. There’s something about the warm light that infiltrates everything in the early morning hours. The windows of the airport were covered in condensation and the light was bouncing off the drops of water as it passed through the glass. The beauty took my breath.

I heard God whisper “It’s going to be ok… It’s all going to be ok. Yes, you got delayed… but I AM WITH YOU.”  Immediately He reminded me that He took me through one of my favorite cities making the most of an unexpected detour, He showed me the angels ministering to me as I slept in the airport the night before, and He surrounded me with His tangible presence so strong that I felt His arms embracing me. The tears flowed as I stood in that moment just worshiping Him.

 

Our 6am flight to Atlanta was delayed as they tried to get the computer up at the gate; however, my connecting flight to Guatemala City was also THANKFULLY delayed. I made it back to Guatemala City around 3pm that day with tears of gratitude in my eyes. I know I won’t understand on this side of Heaven what God was accomplishing through/in me through this experience. However, I am grateful that God is ALWAYS with us in the midst of the chaos.

 

So many times, we pray that God will take away the sickness, change the situation, or deflect difficulty from our lives; however, that doesn’t always happen. God uses the difficulties, the frustrations, and the unexpected speed bumps in life to show us who He is and help shape us into the person He wants us to be. In this world we will encounter chaos, disorder, and the unexpected. Yet, we must remember that God is ALWAYS PRESENT with us in those moments. Just because He doesn’t change the situation, doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us or we are doing something wrong. We need to always remember, that He is with us even in the midst of the chaos.

THANK YOU for reading my blog and being a part of what God is doing. To find out more about our ministry in Guatemala, head to our website: www.graciaministries.com 

Praising in the Hallway

  

This January, two of our supporting/home churches started 21 days of prayer and fasting. As I prayed about how/what to do during this time, the Lord spoke clearly to me that He wanted my worship for one hour each morning of the 21 days from 5am-6am. (Uff. I'm not REALLY an early morning person, so this definitely wasn't my idea!!). So, I've been setting my alarm and dragging myself out of bed (sometimes really physically dragging) to worship each morning. 

Honestly, there have been some really GREAT overwhelming worship moments and there have been some days that have just been meh... However, every single day God has spoken in some way to my heart. 

 Today, I was singing along with a worship service from Gateway Church (This is the video link to the worship service: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4PYmNQ2MMY ) and at the 53:40 mark they start singing "The Goodness of God". This is a song that keeps "popping" up during my worship times. Every single playlist or service I have listened to has had this song in it without me knowing ahead of time. I had to laugh when the song started. (Yes, Lord. I hear you). 

 

During the song, the singer shares a bit and talks about the phrase "when God closes a door, you worship in the hallway until He opens the next door". It's a phrase that I've heard before, but today it hit me in a different way. I realized... that's EXACTLY what I'm doing. That's what I've been doing. That's what I WILL CONTINUE TO DO. 

As many of you, I too had other plans when the pandemic started in March 2020. Raul and I were looking forward to launching an afterschool Christ-centered art and worship program in May 2020 at the local public school. We were busy putting things in order, writing curriculum, and getting ready to launch, BUT... COVID. 

If you haven't read about my unexpected COVID adventure, I invite you to go back and read the past posts. Short story, I got stuck and separated from my husband for seven months in the States before finally making it back to Guatemala. Face-to-face classes were cancelled in March 2020 and are STILL cancelled at the local public school where we serve. EVERYTHING we had planned for was put on hold... and still is on hold. Anyone in a similar place? 

BUT... GOD. In the past two years, we have been "worshiping in the hallway". We couldn't hold our worship academy activities at the school, BUT we have had opportunities to serve the teachers who are still there working and pour into them during this difficult season. We haven't been able to put the curriculum and all of our preparations into practice, BUT we have been able to start constructing on our land nearby which will one day house our ministry and be a place where we can have activities with our students. We haven't been able to do what we expected to do, BUT we have been able to do what God had planned for us to do during this season. 

See, the pandemic HAS NOT changed God's goodness. Having to put our plans and our ideas on hold HAS NOT changed God's goodness. The death, sickness, and frustrations we have all experienced during this pandemic HAS NOT changed God's goodness. He is STILL GOOD and He is still WORTHY of our praise. 

When we lift up praise despite what we see/feel, we are literally offering a sacrifice of praise. It's not natural, it's not something that we usually "want" to do, but HE IS WORTHY. So, I want to encourage you... PRAISE HIM IN THE HALLWAY. I imagine things don't look like what we expected them to look like. I imagine we would all change things in our lives right now if we could... BUT, GOD.  Praise Him. Lift up praise to Him. 

 It is important to understand that praise is not some kind of magic lamp that we use to get God to do what we want. We aren't praising Him with one eye open to see how He changes the situation or how He moves on our behalf. Yes, it can happen. God still does miracles. However, I have found that praise usually changes US and realigns OUR perspective so that we can continue to walk forward in the situation. 

 So, I want to invite you to the hallway with me today (you're probably already here). Let us PRAISE HIM today. Maybe you can't think of anything you want to praise Him for. That's ok. I find that putting on worship music and letting it lead me can be helpful when I don't know where to start. He is still good. He is still worthy. Let us praise Him in the hallway. 

If you're interested in finding out more about our ministry in Guatemala, check out our website: www.graciaministries.com

   

The Grace of Grief

As many of you know, my mother passed away on December 30, 2020 after a brave battle against dementia. As we're progressing through this new year, we are being faced with many "firsts" without her. In February, I had my first birthday withough hearing my mama tell me "Happy Birthday". Now, I am experiencing my first Mother's Day without my mama. 

Mother's Day in the United States is celebrated the second Sunday in  May. Mother's Day in Guatemala is ALWAYS on May 10th. This year, Mother's Day in the States falls on May 9th. So, this year I was facing not one... but two Mother's Days.. back to back without my mama. As May approached, a sense of dread grew in my heart. Two Mother's Days back-to-back plus my mama's birthday is May 18th. I sent a text to my sister asking her if we could just skip the month of May all together. My sister reminded me that there was still good in May... by oldest nephew celebrates his birthday on May 8th. I needed that reminder in that moment. I needed to see the good in the midst of the grief. 

Growing up, I assumed that losing a parent would be the most soul crushing heavy grief that would leave you completely incapacitated and unable to function whatsoever. However, in my personal grief journey I have to say... there is a grace that exists in grief. Yes, there are countless breathless, heavy, unable to function, full-body shaking sobbing moments... especially in the beginning. Yet, they come in waves. Initially the waves come frequently, one after another, but in between the waves there is grace. In between the waves there are moments to do what is necessary... to take a breath... to eat something... to enjoy the stars in the backyard. With time those moments come more frequently and the grief waves come less regularly... all though the grief waves start to come in a more unexpected pattern and are triggered in unforeseen ways.

Mother's Day in Guatemala is an INCREDIBLY HUGE DEAL. There are celebrations, homemade fireworks in the wee hours of the morning, loud music, food, cake, and a million "free gifts" handed out at stores. Over the past few days, I have been planning how to avoid being smacked in the face by Mother's Day. I've been avoiding social media and muting the tv as needed. I had planned to keep a low profile and not visit anywhere that may be handing out free gifts to mothers.  

 

This morning, I headed out for my run a little earlier than usual to avoid the heat of the sun. I was enjoying a quieter than normal run and was on the way back towards the house. As I was about a mile from home, I began to hear music (over the music in my headphones). I assumed it was coming from one of the houses in celebration of Mother's Day. However, as I ran the music slowly got louder... and louder... and louder. I realized that the source of the music was coming up behind me. 

 As I looked over my shoulder, I realized that the source of the music was a Mother's Day caravan of five flatbed trucks fully decorated with speakers blaring music and announcing that there were Mother's Day baskets being handed out from the mayor of our town. The trucks were moving only slightly faster than I was running. As the caravan slowly inched passed me, the drivers were honking and waving. They obviously thought I was a mother (I was also the ONLY female person on the road that morning).They were blaring cheezy Mother's Day music and... well... I am grateful that I was all ready bright red and sweaty... because I started to ugly cry. Boom. An unexpected wave of grief. I thought about pulling my phone out of my running pack to turn up the volume of my music, or even run in the opposite direction... but I couldn't. I just started to walk and cry. Slowly the Mother's Day caravan pulled away from me and was out of sight. 

When I made it home, I told one of my best friends about the Mother's Day caravan. Before she realized that it had bothered me, she responded with a laughing GIF. That's when it hit me... THAT WAS FUNNY. I realized how funny it actually was that I had been "ambushed" by the Mother's Day caravan. Here I was planning to avoid all things Mother's Day.. and I got AMBUSED BY THE MOTHER'S DAY CARAVAN. I had to laugh out loud. I next

told my sister, and her response was "why do I hear the theme song to Jaws?" Ha ha ha.... That was it. That's exactly what it was like... the Mother's Day caravan came sneaking up on me like Jaws sneaking up on the next unexpecting victim. I hadn't even seen it coming up behind me... I just heard the ominous music. I totally came to see the humor in the moment. My mama would have thought it was hilarious. 

I recently read a post from a friend whose toddler daughter unexpectedly passed away in her sleep. In the post, the author explained that grief and gratitude can exist at the same time. We can be grieving and still enjoy moments and days of laughter while still holding the heaviness of grief in our hearts. We can still take joy in things while our souls ache and grieve the loss of someone we loved. That is part of the grace of grief. Grief is a weird emotion... it comes and goes in unexpected waves. However, if we take a breath and look around we can find the grace that exists in the midst of grief. Even if it comes as a Mother's Day ambush.

Unplanned and Unexpected (My Pandemic Story)- Part 2

 ....continued from previous post (Check out Part 1)

After being "trapped" Stateside for two hundred days due to the pandemic, I decided I would spend my last night at a friend's house in Virginia. I would be flying out of Norfolk, VA and my flight was scheduled to leave at 7am. The night before my flight it started to rain… and it rained… and it rained… and it rained. When we awoke in the morning, there was widespread flooding throughout the Hampton Roads area.

When we left the house that morning at 4:30am to head to the airport, we didn’t realize the extent of the flooding, until we decided to detour around one of the tunnels and cut through a low-lying neighborhood. As we saw the water covering the roadway, we thought it was just a little water so we continued on through… but the water got deeper… and deeper… and as we looked ahead we saw cars stranded ahead of us in the water. My friend stopped her car and wanted to turn around. I quickly realized that that was not an option as there were cars behind us and the water was deeper on the edges of the roadway. I encouraged my friend to keep moving forward all though I honestly wasn’t sure it was the right decision.

My AWESOME friend

She started to pray out loud as we inched deeper into the water. I joined her in prayer. As we moved forward, the water got deeper. As the water got deeper. we prayed louder.

I was sure the water was going to start coming in the bottom of the doors as I watched the cars in front of us. There were cars stalling all around us, and I began to doubt that I would be making it to the airport. I began to think that I would not make it home, that I would be delayed… again. I began to feel something like a righteous anger rise up in me, and I felt an urge to pray against this hinderance and declare that THIS WOULD NOT DETER ME.

As we turned off the main road and onto a side road, waves of water were surrounding the car. The engine started to sputter and I kept telling my friend to “stay on the gas”. “I am. I am. The car is dying,” she replied. We kept praying as I felt the car slow. No. No. This is not how this story ends. I cannot miss this flight. I had been stranded in the United States for 200 days, and I was not waiting another day to go home. We continued to pray. We could see the entrance to the interstate ahead. Should we get on the interstate? I was worried about getting on the interstate and the car dying in the tunnel. How would we get help if we were in the tunnel? The car continued to move slowly forward as the lights and alarms sounded on the dashboard and I held my breath.

I encouraged my friend to pull into a gas station near the entrance to the interstate. We pulled in and tried to decide what we would do. We kept praying as I tried to call an Uber or a Lyft but NOTHING was available. No one could get to where we were. I was worried about my friend's car... what kind of damage had we done trying to get through that water? Time continued moving forward, and I was worried about not making it to the airport on time. 

My friend was willing to try to make it to the airport. The entrance to the interstate was close, and there was no flooding on the interstate. In my spirit, I felt an urging to move and go forward. So we decided to take a chance.

As we puttered up the interstate ramp I fought against the idea of being stuck in the tunnel. I prayed against permanent damage to my friend’s car. I prayed that we would make it to the airport. While I was praying, I was reminded of all the times God had protected me over the past five years in Guatemala. I heard Him whisper to my heart “you don’t think I’ve got this?”. I laughed out loud and continued praying as we slowly began to pick up speed.

At the Airport

When we took the exit to the airport, I was laughing, crying, and praying all at the same time. I almost couldn’t believe it when we pulled up in front of the airport and stopped. I had made it to the airport. We drove through a flood, and we made it to the airport.

I unloaded my bags, hugged my friend, and entered the airport crying tears of relief. I continued crying as I checked my bags and realized that I WAS FINALLY GOING HOME.

I cried again in Dallas when I saw the sign that said Guatemala City at my gate.

However, I cried the hardest when after 200 days apart, I walked out of the airport in Guatemala City and into the arms of my husband. I clung to him as the tears of frustration and fear fell all around us. I WAS FINALLY HOME.

REUNITED

200 days apart from my husband. God did so many miracles during those 200 days. He gifted me time with my family. He gifted me memories and experiences that I wouldn’t have had. He put me with the right people at the right time to help me make it through the darkness. He brought me through a flood and protected my friend’s car from ANY damage whatsoever (no lights, no alarms, NOTHING). He strengthened and grew my marriage in ways that I still can’t explain.

But God’s not done yet. It’s November, and we’re still in the midst of this pandemic. There is still uncertainty and darkness lurking all around. BUT… GOD. He has been with us every step of this pandemic… through the joy, through the tears, through the laughter, through the moments when we didn’t think we could take anymore. He will be there tomorrow. We don’t know what tomorrow holds, but He does and HE IS GOOD.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I appreciate your friendship, prayers and support. To find out more about our ministry in Guatemala, check out our website: www.newstrengthgt.com 

-Meaghen

Unplanned and Unexpected (My Pandemic Story) - Part 1

When I traveled to the United States on March 3, 2020, I only planned to stay in the States for three weeks and return home to Guatemala on March 24, 2020. I had no idea that what started as a three-week journey would turn into a two-hundred-day rollercoaster ride of emotions, faith, and personal growth.

Sisters :) 

When the President of Guatemala announced that he would close the borders of the country on March 16, 2020 my husband and I made the decision that I would stay in the United States. My husband, my home, our ministry, and our lives were all left behind in Guatemala. However, we couldn’t imagine that the borders would be closed for more than a month at most. I was staying with my sister in Pennsylvania and helping her and her husband by caring for my two nephews. I didn’t want to leave my sister on such short notice, and at the time most media sites were reporting that COVID-19 was just a “flu-like disease” that wouldn’t have a large impact on the majority.

Slowly the days transformed into weeks. My original flight home was cancelled and rescheduled for May. After hanging up the phone with the airline, panic began to consume me as I felt uncertainty, frustration, and despair swirling around me. The tears came with gasping sobs as I felt trapped and alone. Despite being with my family, I had no “escape”. I couldn’t get home. Leaving the house was dangerous and uncertain as the news reported the latest information on the spread of the virus, and information was constantly changing. It was still too early to understand how the virus spread from person to person and some believed that the virus lived on surfaces for extended times.  

Wearing our "masks" 

I took refuge in prayer, in worship, and in exercise. Each morning I tried to start the day with worship music and stretching. I tried to leave the house in the afternoons to run and hike in the neighborhood surrounding the house.  We had spontaneous dance parties with my nephews and tried to laugh as much as possible. In the midst of the unknown, there were so many moments with my family that served as beacons of hope that kept me moving forward. 

March turned into April, which edged into May. There was still no news of border openings. Each Sunday evening the President of Guatemala would announce the latest policy changes, and each Sunday there was no mention of reopening borders or the airport. Darkness and uncertainty hid at the edges of my emotions and engulfed me in unexpected moments. There was more than one tear-filled phone call between my husband and I during those months expressing frustration and uncertainty. Each time we would listen and attempt to encourage each other in the hopes that we would be reunited shortly.

As May came to a close, my flight was once again cancelled and pushed back into June. Guatemala saw growing unrest as many had been without work for months and subsequently unable to feed their families. Many took to the streets begging for food and necessities at intersections. My husband single-handedly spearheaded and executed a small food distribution through our ministry.

With no news on the border reopening coming out of Guatemala, I decided to relocate to my father’s house in North Carolina. My father lives minutes from the Outer Banks where I grew up. The ocean has always been a place of healing for me, and if I couldn’t go home to Guatemala I wanted to be near the ocean.

As summer started on the Outer Banks, I decided to take a side job working retail to keep myself occupied and distracted. June merged into July and with it two more flight cancellations. Each time a flight date would approach, I would try not to get my hopes up. I would watch the Sunday Presidential announcements with hope that this would be the week that the airport would reopen, to be engulfed in despair and uncertainty with the realization that I would not be returning this time. I found myself in tears at work, and more than once in the arms of my supporting coworkers. My coworkers tried to keep my spirits up, and I now know why God placed me in that place during this time.

My Dad

My father and I passed countless hours fishing. During the pandemic, I spent time with my family that I will forever treasure. I poured out my heart in worship and prayer when I felt that I could not handle anymore. God was always faithful in those moments to lift my head, encourage my heart, and bring the comfort I needed. My husband and I continued to share our frustrations, joys, and sorrows in our daily phone calls and messages.

July changed into August and another flight cancellation. Tears poured out as uncertainty once again engulfed me. I began to explore alternative ways to enter Guatemala as the airports in Mexico had never shutdown and I was familiar with the Mexico border crossing. My husband encouraged me to keep waiting as I calculated the risks.

Slowly the whispers started and the news started to trickle in that there was a new date for the airport to reopen. News sources started to pick up the story and began reporting that the airport would reopen September 18, 2020. Guatemala was expected to open it’s borders. I was cautiously optimistic and still remember waiting for that Sunday’s Presidential announcements. There had been potential opening dates in the past and each time, the dates were pushed back. My flight at the time was for September 9^th.  On Sunday, September 6^th, the President announced that they were preparing to open the airport on September 18^th, and if preparations were completed in time they would do so. 

I squealed and jumped and ran through the house celebrating!! "They're going to open the airport! They're going to open the airport!" I yelled.  IT WAS OFFICIAL!! I WAS GOING  HOME.

Keep reading about my crazy journey home in my next post.... 

THIS is a move of God...

Today during the online church service, we sang a song that contained the words “This is a move… this is a move…” and I felt compelled to share what God showed me as we sang those words. 

As we sang, I heard the Lord say, “THIS is a move… THIS is a move… The virus, the racial tensions and uprisings, the tearing down of statues, the on-going feelings of chaos, the ever-growing divisions, not being able to assemble as we would like… THIS is a move of God.” I immediately thought… God… This doesn’t look or feel like what I would associate with a move of God.  

Yet, then I realized that God is permitting each of these things to pass in this season. God is allowing things to be shaken. He is breaking things off. He is seeing what is important to us. He is proving us. He is seeing how we truly view others… if we truly put others ahead of ourselves. He is putting our relationships with Him to the test. He is seeing how we act when we can’t be in the church building. He is seeing how we react when others don’t share similar viewpoints. He is seeing how we love when others don’t share similar histories.

And honestly… we (collectively) are failing. We are shouting for “rights and privileges” over protecting the lives of the vulnerable. We are converting real living breathing human lives into mere numbers and minimizing the value of the loss of even a SINGLE human life. We are boldly proclaiming religious persecution yet don’t even take the time to worship God in own homes. We are minimizing the experiences of our brothers and sisters of color and are failing to see the need to learn from their personal experiences. We are seeing those with different opinions on matters as our sworn enemies and viciously attacking them. We are putting leaders, politics, policies, and personal “freedoms” on a pedestal and defending them with “knee-jerk reactions”. We (collectively) are failing.

To echo the words of Pastor Dan Backens, “Our love is on trial”. Our love is on trial and we are failing. God is permitting our love to be tested, and we can’t see past our own selves to love those who don’t look like us, who don’t agree with us, or who don’t share similar histories as us. Our love is on trial and we are failing.

So, how is this a move of God? God is permitting all of this to happen. He is permitting a shaking… a shifting… a sifting. He is permitting us to be shaken to see what is really on the inside of us. He is exposing the worst parts of humanity right now as a wake-up call. He is seeing what it is that we really hold to be important. However, many of us are too distracted with our politics, our freedoms, and our own personal narratives to see what is happening. God is on the move, and we don’t see it. We are permitting ourselves to be divided along every line possible instead of holding onto love and loving others as ourselves.

The Bible is full of verses about love. I am sure we could spend hours quoting them. We all know that we are called to “love one another” and “all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13-25-36 NASB). But… how are we living this right now? Are we loving like Jesus loved us? Would someone know we were disciples if they judged us only on our love? If our love is on trial, then what is the verdict for our life?

I believe that THIS is a move of God. God is permitting a shaking. He is sifting us. He is seeing what REALLY lies within our hearts… what we REALLY hold important. And the truth is… we (collectively) are failing. However, it’s not too late. Let us realign with Him today. Let us lay aside those things we have put on a pedestal. Let us lay down our banners and affiliations, and remember we are called first to love. Love like He loved us. THIS is a move of God.