I have a confession. I like to be in control. I like to know what is happening six months down the road, and I like to see it drawn out on a neat little map. I like to drive the car rather than be the passenger, and the one thing that I dislike about flying is that I am not in control of the plane. However, At this moment, my life is COMPLETELY out of my control. God is stretching me in ways that I would have never imagined only a few months ago. Today, I was having an overwhelmed moment and I reached out to two friends who are also going through the same process with Kids Alive International and asked them to pray for me. I had a moment when everything seemed so big that I just wanted to have a pity party and cry. I am in the last semester of my Master's degree, I have been running on less than four hours of sleep at a time all week, I have worked three shifts back to back at work with only eight hours between each one, I have a month long training session coming up in two weeks, I am spearheading putting on my fifteen year school reunion THIS WEEKEND, and I am struggling to squeeze in time to work on partnership development. I may be just a little stressed. So, as I began to feel the walls close in on me I reached out and asked my friends to pray for me. I know they prayed immediately and I felt peace wash over me in the moments that followed. Then, the phone rang... it was Julia, the missionary mobilization coordinator. Julia said something that brought me to tears (of relief). As I poured out my heart about feeling like a failure because I hadn't been following the "plan" that we were taught regarding partnership development, Julia comforted me and ensured me it would all be OK. She said that it was like I was on a raft just floating in the rapids of the river, and all I had to do was to keep my oars in the water and keep paddling as much as I could. That the river was going to take me where it was supposed to, and I was just along for the ride. And.. then I cried.. and realized she was right. Throughout this process, I have been saying that I am "just along for the ride" so to hear her mirror the sentiment brought needed confirmation.
I don't talk about the "ugly side" of my short term trip to Guatemala, but I feel like I need to share that in this moment. Honestly, my short term trip to Guatemala was the hardest trip I have ever been on. I seriously struggled the first few days with personality conflicts with other team members, feelings of rejection and frustration, overwhelming fumes and migraines from sitting in traffic in the city for long periods of time, being a part of a team of nearly thirty people, and then the crowning jewel.. I got sick. Without going into too many details.. I spent more than one entire night sitting on a toilet and in desperate need of some Pepto Bismol in the following days. And no.. before you ask.. I DID NOT drink the water. So, by time Wednesday arrived I was ready to go home, and we had only arrived on that Sunday. I finally came to a breaking point Wednesday night while we were worshiping as a team. I remember singing the words "There's no place I'd rather be...There's no place I'd rather be.. There's no place I'd rather be.. Than here in your love.." and I felt like such a hypocrite. I would have rather have been anywhere but Guatemala in that moment. I wanted to be home.. in my own bed.. sick in my own bathroom.. by myself.. anywhere than with this team of nearly thirty people in Guatemala. So, I asked Ruby, one of our team members who I consider a spiritual mother, to come outside with me. I broke down crying and released all my frustration, feelings, and emotions on this woman and she just listened. I remember saying "I can't do this.." and she said "Exactly". That's when I realized, God had brought me to a breaking point on that trip to where I could not do anything on my own. He brought me to the end of myself to where I could do nothing else in my power, and I had to depend solely on Him to get me through. I now see that He needed me to trust in Him and let Him be in control rather than me trying to do it in my own strength. He knew in that moment that He was preparing me for something bigger that would require a new level of trust and dependency on Him. He knew that I would have to trust Him completely and let Him work things out if any of this was going to take place. So, in that moment I surrendered and everything changed. Personality conflicts smoothed over, I no longer felt rejected and frustrated, and even though I still had some stomach issues it was nowhere near as emotionally overwhelming. By the end of my time in Guatemala, I had fallen in love with the country, the people, and I knew that I was called to return long term. Had I focused on the negatives and all the things that were going wrong, I would have completely missed what He was doing in my life in that moment.
So, fast forward to today. Again, I have had to realize that I am not in control and it's OK. Many of you have been asking me about my trip and what comes next. I will be attending CIT training from September 27-October 23rd in western North Carolina. This training is to prepare me to successfully navigate living in a foreign culture.. and hopefully doing so without completely offending any Guatemalan nationals :). In the meantime, I am living a life that is out of my control. It is wonderful and terrifying at the same time, but there is a peace that surpasses all understanding. Let me encourage you. Maybe God is calling you to do something that is taking you out of your comfort zone. Maybe He's trying to teach you to let go and trust Him. Don't be like me. Don't let it take personality conflicts, migraines, frustration, exhaustion, and extreme diarrhea to get you there. Trust Him. He really does have the best plans... and beyond that... He's got a great sense of humor!
Blessings,
Meaghen
"Stick your oar in the water and row OCCASIONALLY," I said. "Occasionally!" Not, "Row as hard as you can!"
ReplyDeleteIs supposed to be read as "as much as you can" as in whatever is possible for you in the moment... Not like a feverish pace :-). Maybe I took some liberty with the wording.. :-)
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