Fighting Against the Darkness.. My Personal Struggle against Suicide.

  Today on my Facebook feed a memory from six years ago popped up, and I was instantly transported to SEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY and the events that were taking place. I will warn you... this is going to be a not so pretty story about the lowest point in my life and is not the usual post I share on my blog. However, this morning I have felt so pressed to share it... and I know that someone out there needs to hear this.. and needs to know that THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

  Seven years ago, today, I was working for a Sheriff's Department in Mississippi as a Deputy Sheriff. At this point, I had been a police officer for six and a half years and I LOVED MY JOB. However, what I didn't realize at this point was that ALL I KNEW ABOUT MYSELF was that I WAS A POLICE OFFICER. I had entered the police academy when I was twenty years old and I was twenty-one when I graduated. So, I had spent the most "formative" years of my life as a police officer. I had such promise... I was going places.... I was on the verge of an assignment that would mean a promotion... I was so PROUD of who I THOUGHT I was.. where I THOUGHT I was going.. and what I THOUGHT I was doing.

  Then there was him. He was a married co-worker (yep.. I went there) with whom I was romantically involved for OVER A YEAR at this point. He made me feel like I was valued.. he made me feel wanted... and he made me feel desired. And... he kept promising.. month after month.. after month... after month that he would leave his wife for me... he didn't want to be with her...she was crazy... they only lived in the same house.. she was leaving in a few weeks... he didn't love her... that soon he would be with me.. that he would marry me one day..

  Rumors starting circulating within the Sheriff's Department where we worked that he and I were romantically involved, and of course... we denied it. We believed there was no way without either one of us admitting to it, that anyone could ever prove it. However, a full on internal investigation was launched and on July 29, 2009 I stood before the Chief Deputy in his office and was informed that my resignation would only be accepted if it was effective immediately.

  In that moment, my world came crashing down. In that moment, my identity SHATTERED... I was a police officer... what would I do if I wasn't a police officer? Where was I going to go? I was SO FULL OF SHAME that seeing my co-workers and them knowing what I had done.. and that I had lied was OVERWHELMING... I had to leave.. but WHERE? I drove my patrol car back to my home and called my supervisor on the way. My supervisor told me to load all my equipment into my patrol car and they would come to pick it up later that afternoon.

  As I watched my supervisor back my patrol car out of my driveway... I collapsed. It was like watching myself being taken away in that moment. I laid on the floor crying for hours... I cried until I didn't have tears anymore. I couldn't eat... I couldn't sleep... I couldn't think... and not only had I lost my career.. and my identity.. but I lost him as well. He wouldn't return my calls.. I tried to send messages through friends.. and nothing. Nothing. I didn't hear from him from that day forward.

 That's when the darkness crept in. I remember laying in my bed and the thoughts that came to me were overwhelming. Just end it... you're not worth it... you'll never be respected again... you're a liar... you'll never be loved again... you're worthless... you're never going to be a police officer again. I had guns in the house... I still had my own personal handgun. I imagined placing the gun to my temple and pulling the trigger... ending it all.... but then...

 I imagined my friends.. my fellow first responders being the ones who found me.. what my nieces would think... what my family would think... and that was the narrowest thread that kept me hanging on in that moment. This day started a very hard and a very difficult period in my life... I won't lie and say immediately everything changed... because it didn't. But... I chose to fight. I chose not to listen to the voices and push against the darkness... and there were times I didn't want to.. when thoughts of suicide would arise again.. but I refused to give up.

Two weeks later, I landed in Hawaii. My sister invited me to come live with them while I started to rebuild my life. I have told her.. and I hope she knows.. that she helped save my life during this time.
Over the next few years, I moved back to the mainland and I actually got a job as a police officer again in a tiny town in Mississippi. And... God used this tiny town and it's people to love me back to Him. See... I had begun running from my faith and from God when I was in the police academy. I still believed in Him and knew He loved me.. but I wanted to live my life for me.

 One early morning in the early winter of 2011... I had once again had enough. But, this time.. I had had enough of living my life for me and running from God. I remember crying out.. through tears and praying "I don't want to live like this anymore"... and the peace flooded me. I was filled with hope.. a promise.. and I began to learn who I REALLY AM.

  Our identity is not WHAT WE DO... it's not WHO WE LOVE... it's not WHERE WE LIVE... our identity is WHO HE CREATED US TO BE. We are HIS CHILDREN.. HIS MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS... We are the ones HE SINGS OVER... the ones HE PURSUES... the ones HE FORGIVES... the ones HE DELIGHTS IN... the ones HE CREATED. And until we know that.. and accept that.. we will go around chasing identities in careers... and relationships.. and places.

 So, I don't know where you are today... maybe you're not sure of your identity.. maybe you feel lost.. maybe you don't want to go on.. maybe you feel like giving up. PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP PUSHING AGAINST THE DARKNESS. DON'T GIVE IN. DON'T GIVE UP. TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY.. THERE IS HOPE.. THERE IS A FUTURE. THERE IS A GOD WHO LOVES YOU DESPITE ANYTHING YOU MAY HAVE DONE.. AND HE'S CHASING AFTER YOU.

 When I look back to seven years ago, I would NEVER BELIEVE that I would be where I am today. As I type this.. I'm sitting at my desk in my apartment in Antigua, Guatemala. Today I am a missionary with an organization that ministers to at-risk children. Today I speak hope to children and people who are broken.. suffering.. and in need of a reason to continue on. If I had given into the darkness that day... I would never be here. The darkness would have won.. and I could not be helping to set other people free from the same darkness that tried to take me.

So, please.. keep pressing. You never know where you'll be sitting next month, next year.. or seven years from now. You never know how life can change.. for the better.. when you let God in.

Today, I am proud to stand and say "I AM NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR... I AM A CHILD OF GOD".

 If you are feeling suicidal... and you need to talk to someone... please... talk to a friend.. a family member... a church member... or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Blessings,
Meaghen

His River is Pure...

  Evelyn charged into my office with a look of deep concern on her face. As she took a seat I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. “We have to do something…” She then explained to me that she had heard that one of the girls in the basico program (7^th, 8^th, and 9^th grade) was pregnant. Evelyn poured out her heart and her concern regarding the lack of education in sexual purity and the fact that

Two of our Basico Girls 

 in Guatemalan culture abstinence and sexual purity is something that is not talked about…. Even within many churches. In fact, in many communities divorce is considered an unforgivable sin, and for that reason many people will not get married for fear of divorce down the road. Many times, this breeds a culture of people who accept living together, having sex before marriage, and having children together out of wedlock even within the church.

  So… as any good researcher.. I started searching the internet for videos IN SPANISH that were relevant… NOT CHEESY… and actually addressed the topic of sexual purity well… AND FROM A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE. Eventually… I came across “Love Without Regret” which is a video of a live presentation which took place in the United States and was presented by a soon-to-be-married couple in their twenties. AND IT’S GOOD!! And.. it was dubbed and subtitled in Spanish… GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!!! J

  I would be lying if I said that I had confidence from the beginning that everything would go PERFECTLY… In fact, when I shared with a few people the weekend before and told them what we had planned… people told me their personal horror stories in attempts to do the same thing. I also had NEVER put on ANY form of a purity presentation before… let alone in a SECOND LANGUAGE…. So, I did the only other thing I could do… I prayed. I prayed the days before… I prayed the Monday before… I prayed as I prepared the room and set up desks.. I prayed through the hallways of the school… I prayed through my office where the boys would be meeting… I prayed… and I prayed… and I prayed.

  On Tuesday morning, as I stood before approximately 70 teenagers I can’t explain the peace and the confidence I felt. I explained to the students that we were going to be watching a movie and discussing sexual purity in the days to come… and to my shock only one giggle was released. (VICTORY!!!) I explained to them that we would watch the video together on Tuesday and Wednesday and then divide the group for discussion on Thursday. After starting the video, I expected giggling… conversations… joking… but what I noticed instead was SILENCE… FOCUS… AND INTEREST. There were a few comments made to friends… but these kids were CAPTIVATED. WOW. The same thing happened on Wednesday when we finished the video… the students PAID ATTENTION… they were actually INTERESTED AND LEARNING about sexual purity. WOW.

Some of our students watching a team's presentation

  Then, came Thursday. Evelyn and I had both decided to share parts of our personal testimonies with the young ladies (It’s not an easy thing when you’re talking about your sexual past in front of complete strangers). However, once again when I stood before the 39 young ladies I felt such peace. Evelyn and I both shared scriptures which pointed the ladies to living and maintaining a pure lifestyle and shared what that looked like. Evelyn shared parts of her testimony, and I noticed that AS SOON AS she started talking  about her past… a hush fell over the crowd… the girls leaned in… and THEY LISTENED. I could see them nodding along at times. WOW….

  Then, I got up to share my story. I used a white paper heart as part of my illustration. I explained that when I was 11 years old, my parents divorced. It was difficult not having my father in my home during such a formative stage in my life, and I began looking for love in other relationships and with other young men. At the age of 14, I lost my virginity and that started a pattern which played out in my early twenties as well. I explained to the girls that at one point in my life I didn’t care about having sex… it didn’t “matter” to me and I thought it was “no big deal” however… what I didn’t realize was that every time I had sex with a man who was not my husband… it was like giving a piece of my heart away… so as I talked about having sex with my boyfriends or other young men… I tore a piece of my paper heart and let it flutter to the ground… again I tore a piece… again I tore a piece… again I tore a piece.. until I only had a small ragged piece of my heart left.

  I paused for a moment… THERE WAS COMPLETE SILENCE IN THAT MOMENT…. As I looked around the crowd… one young lady in particular stood out to me. Jessica was sitting at the very front of the group… and tears were running down her cheeks. My heart leapt inside me. Just from watching Jessica over the past few months I could tell that she was struggling with her identity… with relationships with young men… and with her own purity. There were a number of other young ladies who also had tears in their eyes. All I could think was… MY GOD… YOU’RE WORKING IN THIS MOMENT.

  I continued by holding up my shredded ragged heart, and I explained to the girls that this is what I would one day have to give to my husband… and that is not God’s plan. I explained to them that God only wants the best for our lives, and when we’re born we are given a new, clean, complete hearts (held up another complete, whole heart I had on the table). It is God’s plan for us to one day arrive at our wedding day with that heart to give to our spouses. I admitted to the girls that I understood that there were some of them in the room that were not virgins, and that I also am not a virgin… but they could make a choice.. today.. to ask for forgiveness and to choose to live a lifestyle of purity. It doesn’t matter what we had done in our past… all that mattered was what we chose to do from that day forward.

  When it came time to pray, five girls raised their hands to ask for forgiveness from their sexual past (Jessica included) and ten girls raised their hands stating that they wanted to make a commitment to

The Hearts We Gave to Our Girls

live a pure lifestyle from this day forward. We gave each and every girl a laminated white heart with 1 Timothy 4:12 written on it, and encouraged them to be an example of purity to others. WOW. ONLY GOD.

So, I share this story to encourage you. Despite not knowing every needed vocabulary word in Spanish and despite not knowing how to even really approach this subject… GOD MOVED. I have realized that He has called me into a season of doing things that I HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE… and it’s a place where I MUST DEPEND ON HIM much more than I ever have in the past. It would have been easy for me to make excuses about not knowing the language “well enough” or not being “comfortable” talking about sexual purity… however… I trusted Him to make up the difference… and HE DID. HE MOVED AND TOUCHED HEARTS DESPITE ANYTHING I DID OR SAID. So, don’t be afraid… if He’s calling you to do it.. HE WILL PROVIDE… even if you don’t conjugate all the verbs correctly J .

Thank you for reading my blog. 

Blessings,

Meaghen