Today on my Facebook feed a memory from six years ago popped up, and I was instantly transported to SEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY and the events that were taking place. I will warn you... this is going to be a not so pretty story about the lowest point in my life and is not the usual post I share on my blog. However, this morning I have felt so pressed to share it... and I know that someone out there needs to hear this.. and needs to know that THEY ARE NOT ALONE.
Seven years ago, today, I was working for a Sheriff's Department in Mississippi as a Deputy Sheriff. At this point, I had been a police officer for six and a half years and I LOVED MY JOB. However, what I didn't realize at this point was that ALL I KNEW ABOUT MYSELF was that I WAS A POLICE OFFICER. I had entered the police academy when I was twenty years old and I was twenty-one when I graduated. So, I had spent the most "formative" years of my life as a police officer. I had such promise... I was going places.... I was on the verge of an assignment that would mean a promotion... I was so PROUD of who I THOUGHT I was.. where I THOUGHT I was going.. and what I THOUGHT I was doing.
Then there was him. He was a married co-worker (yep.. I went there) with whom I was romantically involved for OVER A YEAR at this point. He made me feel like I was valued.. he made me feel wanted... and he made me feel desired. And... he kept promising.. month after month.. after month... after month that he would leave his wife for me... he didn't want to be with her...she was crazy... they only lived in the same house.. she was leaving in a few weeks... he didn't love her... that soon he would be with me.. that he would marry me one day..
Rumors starting circulating within the Sheriff's Department where we worked that he and I were romantically involved, and of course... we denied it. We believed there was no way without either one of us admitting to it, that anyone could ever prove it. However, a full on internal investigation was launched and on July 29, 2009 I stood before the Chief Deputy in his office and was informed that my resignation would only be accepted if it was effective immediately.
In that moment, my world came crashing down. In that moment, my identity SHATTERED... I was a police officer... what would I do if I wasn't a police officer? Where was I going to go? I was SO FULL OF SHAME that seeing my co-workers and them knowing what I had done.. and that I had lied was OVERWHELMING... I had to leave.. but WHERE? I drove my patrol car back to my home and called my supervisor on the way. My supervisor told me to load all my equipment into my patrol car and they would come to pick it up later that afternoon.
As I watched my supervisor back my patrol car out of my driveway... I collapsed. It was like watching myself being taken away in that moment. I laid on the floor crying for hours... I cried until I didn't have tears anymore. I couldn't eat... I couldn't sleep... I couldn't think... and not only had I lost my career.. and my identity.. but I lost him as well. He wouldn't return my calls.. I tried to send messages through friends.. and nothing. Nothing. I didn't hear from him from that day forward.
That's when the darkness crept in. I remember laying in my bed and the thoughts that came to me were overwhelming. Just end it... you're not worth it... you'll never be respected again... you're a liar... you'll never be loved again... you're worthless... you're never going to be a police officer again. I had guns in the house... I still had my own personal handgun. I imagined placing the gun to my temple and pulling the trigger... ending it all.... but then...
I imagined my friends.. my fellow first responders being the ones who found me.. what my nieces would think... what my family would think... and that was the narrowest thread that kept me hanging on in that moment. This day started a very hard and a very difficult period in my life... I won't lie and say immediately everything changed... because it didn't. But... I chose to fight. I chose not to listen to the voices and push against the darkness... and there were times I didn't want to.. when thoughts of suicide would arise again.. but I refused to give up.
Two weeks later, I landed in Hawaii. My sister invited me to come live with them while I started to rebuild my life. I have told her.. and I hope she knows.. that she helped save my life during this time.
Over the next few years, I moved back to the mainland and I actually got a job as a police officer again in a tiny town in Mississippi. And... God used this tiny town and it's people to love me back to Him. See... I had begun running from my faith and from God when I was in the police academy. I still believed in Him and knew He loved me.. but I wanted to live my life for me.
One early morning in the early winter of 2011... I had once again had enough. But, this time.. I had had enough of living my life for me and running from God. I remember crying out.. through tears and praying "I don't want to live like this anymore"... and the peace flooded me. I was filled with hope.. a promise.. and I began to learn who I REALLY AM.
Our identity is not WHAT WE DO... it's not WHO WE LOVE... it's not WHERE WE LIVE... our identity is WHO HE CREATED US TO BE. We are HIS CHILDREN.. HIS MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS... We are the ones HE SINGS OVER... the ones HE PURSUES... the ones HE FORGIVES... the ones HE DELIGHTS IN... the ones HE CREATED. And until we know that.. and accept that.. we will go around chasing identities in careers... and relationships.. and places.
So, I don't know where you are today... maybe you're not sure of your identity.. maybe you feel lost.. maybe you don't want to go on.. maybe you feel like giving up. PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP PUSHING AGAINST THE DARKNESS. DON'T GIVE IN. DON'T GIVE UP. TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY.. THERE IS HOPE.. THERE IS A FUTURE. THERE IS A GOD WHO LOVES YOU DESPITE ANYTHING YOU MAY HAVE DONE.. AND HE'S CHASING AFTER YOU.
When I look back to seven years ago, I would NEVER BELIEVE that I would be where I am today. As I type this.. I'm sitting at my desk in my apartment in Antigua, Guatemala. Today I am a missionary with an organization that ministers to at-risk children. Today I speak hope to children and people who are broken.. suffering.. and in need of a reason to continue on. If I had given into the darkness that day... I would never be here. The darkness would have won.. and I could not be helping to set other people free from the same darkness that tried to take me.
So, please.. keep pressing. You never know where you'll be sitting next month, next year.. or seven years from now. You never know how life can change.. for the better.. when you let God in.
Today, I am proud to stand and say "I AM NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR... I AM A CHILD OF GOD".
If you are feeling suicidal... and you need to talk to someone... please... talk to a friend.. a family member... a church member... or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Blessings,
Meaghen
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