The Grace of Grief

As many of you know, my mother passed away on December 30, 2020 after a brave battle against dementia. As we're progressing through this new year, we are being faced with many "firsts" without her. In February, I had my first birthday withough hearing my mama tell me "Happy Birthday". Now, I am experiencing my first Mother's Day without my mama. 

Mother's Day in the United States is celebrated the second Sunday in  May. Mother's Day in Guatemala is ALWAYS on May 10th. This year, Mother's Day in the States falls on May 9th. So, this year I was facing not one... but two Mother's Days.. back to back without my mama. As May approached, a sense of dread grew in my heart. Two Mother's Days back-to-back plus my mama's birthday is May 18th. I sent a text to my sister asking her if we could just skip the month of May all together. My sister reminded me that there was still good in May... by oldest nephew celebrates his birthday on May 8th. I needed that reminder in that moment. I needed to see the good in the midst of the grief. 

Growing up, I assumed that losing a parent would be the most soul crushing heavy grief that would leave you completely incapacitated and unable to function whatsoever. However, in my personal grief journey I have to say... there is a grace that exists in grief. Yes, there are countless breathless, heavy, unable to function, full-body shaking sobbing moments... especially in the beginning. Yet, they come in waves. Initially the waves come frequently, one after another, but in between the waves there is grace. In between the waves there are moments to do what is necessary... to take a breath... to eat something... to enjoy the stars in the backyard. With time those moments come more frequently and the grief waves come less regularly... all though the grief waves start to come in a more unexpected pattern and are triggered in unforeseen ways.

Mother's Day in Guatemala is an INCREDIBLY HUGE DEAL. There are celebrations, homemade fireworks in the wee hours of the morning, loud music, food, cake, and a million "free gifts" handed out at stores. Over the past few days, I have been planning how to avoid being smacked in the face by Mother's Day. I've been avoiding social media and muting the tv as needed. I had planned to keep a low profile and not visit anywhere that may be handing out free gifts to mothers.  

 

This morning, I headed out for my run a little earlier than usual to avoid the heat of the sun. I was enjoying a quieter than normal run and was on the way back towards the house. As I was about a mile from home, I began to hear music (over the music in my headphones). I assumed it was coming from one of the houses in celebration of Mother's Day. However, as I ran the music slowly got louder... and louder... and louder. I realized that the source of the music was coming up behind me. 

 As I looked over my shoulder, I realized that the source of the music was a Mother's Day caravan of five flatbed trucks fully decorated with speakers blaring music and announcing that there were Mother's Day baskets being handed out from the mayor of our town. The trucks were moving only slightly faster than I was running. As the caravan slowly inched passed me, the drivers were honking and waving. They obviously thought I was a mother (I was also the ONLY female person on the road that morning).They were blaring cheezy Mother's Day music and... well... I am grateful that I was all ready bright red and sweaty... because I started to ugly cry. Boom. An unexpected wave of grief. I thought about pulling my phone out of my running pack to turn up the volume of my music, or even run in the opposite direction... but I couldn't. I just started to walk and cry. Slowly the Mother's Day caravan pulled away from me and was out of sight. 

When I made it home, I told one of my best friends about the Mother's Day caravan. Before she realized that it had bothered me, she responded with a laughing GIF. That's when it hit me... THAT WAS FUNNY. I realized how funny it actually was that I had been "ambushed" by the Mother's Day caravan. Here I was planning to avoid all things Mother's Day.. and I got AMBUSED BY THE MOTHER'S DAY CARAVAN. I had to laugh out loud. I next

told my sister, and her response was "why do I hear the theme song to Jaws?" Ha ha ha.... That was it. That's exactly what it was like... the Mother's Day caravan came sneaking up on me like Jaws sneaking up on the next unexpecting victim. I hadn't even seen it coming up behind me... I just heard the ominous music. I totally came to see the humor in the moment. My mama would have thought it was hilarious. 

I recently read a post from a friend whose toddler daughter unexpectedly passed away in her sleep. In the post, the author explained that grief and gratitude can exist at the same time. We can be grieving and still enjoy moments and days of laughter while still holding the heaviness of grief in our hearts. We can still take joy in things while our souls ache and grieve the loss of someone we loved. That is part of the grace of grief. Grief is a weird emotion... it comes and goes in unexpected waves. However, if we take a breath and look around we can find the grace that exists in the midst of grief. Even if it comes as a Mother's Day ambush.