Marriage vs. The Flesh

Lately, I have felt God prompting me to write a post about marriage and some of my personal experiences over the past few months. Its a bit of a different direction for me, and I in no way claim to be an expert on the subject, but felt lead to share some insights that we can all relate to regardless of our relationship status. So, welcome to a little glimpse into my newly married life.

Smiling Together

My husband and I have been married for just over three months (I know.. not long at all). We are still in what I call the “getting used to you phase”. You know.. that phase where you realize that the  person does a million things differently than you... They mop the floor differently, they do laundry differently, they squeeze the toothpaste from the opposite end, and…. GASP they can’t read your mind and understand what you want (what is that?!!). Add to this that my husband and I do not share first languages (his first language is Spanish and mine is English) or even the same culture (he is Guatemalan and I am from the States) and the fact that we both have lived independently for long periods of times as adults and developed our own rhythms, our own schedules, and our own way of doing things and you have a glimpse of how the first few months of marriage have been for us. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had lots of laughter and we have grown closer in these months…  However, there is one lesson that I have learned that stands out more than any other to this point in our marriage...

That lesson in one short sentence … My flesh is ugly. Really ugly. It is impatient. My flesh wants to seek the best, most comfortable, most pleasurable, least inconvenient option for ME, MYSELF, AND I. My flesh begins whispering and critiquing and murmuring about something until my complete attitude has gone down the tubes. My flesh does not want to forgive.. it wants to hold onto the little hurts that happen in a relationship.. it wants to bring up past hurts and throw them back at my husband in some twisted form of self-defense. It does not want to serve him. It does not want to guard it’s tongue. It does not want to encourage. It does not want to put itself second.

In just these three short months, I have found that my flesh and my own selfish desires can be my biggest enemy and the biggest enemy to my marriage. So, what do I do? How do I combat my flesh?

I HAVE TO DIE TO MYSELF DAILY. Sometimes more frequently.. sometimes hourly.. or minute by minute if I'm being particularly pleasant that day. It’s not easy. It’s not pretty… and I fail regularly.

My Husband Serving Me

It’s not “natural” for us to put another person before ourselves (especially when they don’t mop the floor like us!) However, that’s what marriage requires. If we’re called to serve the other person or love the other person like Christ loves the church… it means we have to shove our flesh aside and love, serve, and honor them with an unconditional self-sacrificing love. Even when we don’t think they deserve it. Even when their actions and words are not reflecting that same unconditional self-sacrificing love towards us. That does not come naturally.

During my extended season of waiting (I was 35 when we married). I remember imagining my future marriage and daydreaming about waking up next to my prince charming, cooking dinner together, spending time together, and all those “romantic” things we imagine when we think about marriage. I remember asking God and wondering on multiple occasions WHY… WHY WAS I STILL SINGLE? WHY WAS I STILL WAITING? WHY HADN’T I GOTTEN MARRIED?

Now.. I realize. I was ENTIRELY too selfish. My flesh was entirely too strong.. and I was far from mature enough to embark into a marriage relationship where I would be required to put the other person first… listen to the other person’s thoughts and dreams…and love another person with a self-sacrificing unconditional love. I realized NOW that if I had married before God’s timing permitted it, it more than likely would have ended poorly.

A Hallmark Moment

Now, of course my husband and I DO have those Hallmark movie moments… when we run outside and dance in the pouring down rain… when we sit and have amazing communication over a relaxed breakfast, when time stands still and the feelings of love and joy rise up. But, there are also those times when I want to say hurtful things, when my patience runs thin, when I don’t understand why he can’t see the dust on the furniture or have a divinely inspired desire to empty the overflowing trashcan. Its during those moments when my flesh rises up that I must die to myself and extend the mercy and grace that doesn’t always come naturally.

So, a word to my ladies (and gentlemen) in waiting. We go through the waiting season so that we have time to grow and develop into the person that God wants us to be in our marriages. That doesn’t mean that we arrive in our marriages perfect, or that we don’t have struggles or difficulties in our marriages. But, that God is still working on us (and probably our future spouse) to be the best possible versions of ourselves that we can be. Embrace the waiting (even if you don’t understand why it’s taking so long). Let God work in you. You’ll be needing these things when you realize you’ve married someone who squeezes the toothpaste from the wrong end!

As I continue to permit God to use my marriage to mold me into a better version of me, I don’t pretend to get it all right. My husband and I are learning to be better “forgivers” and extend grace to

Us Being Goofy Together

each other (even when we don’t think the other deserves it). We are learning how to speak encouragement and life instead of words that tear down and destroy (in two different languages). And more than anything.. we are learning that a good marriage requires us to die to our flesh (however painful that may be) and love the other person more than ourselves.