THIS is a move of God...

Today during the online church service, we sang a song that contained the words “This is a move… this is a move…” and I felt compelled to share what God showed me as we sang those words. 

As we sang, I heard the Lord say, “THIS is a move… THIS is a move… The virus, the racial tensions and uprisings, the tearing down of statues, the on-going feelings of chaos, the ever-growing divisions, not being able to assemble as we would like… THIS is a move of God.” I immediately thought… God… This doesn’t look or feel like what I would associate with a move of God.  

Yet, then I realized that God is permitting each of these things to pass in this season. God is allowing things to be shaken. He is breaking things off. He is seeing what is important to us. He is proving us. He is seeing how we truly view others… if we truly put others ahead of ourselves. He is putting our relationships with Him to the test. He is seeing how we act when we can’t be in the church building. He is seeing how we react when others don’t share similar viewpoints. He is seeing how we love when others don’t share similar histories.

And honestly… we (collectively) are failing. We are shouting for “rights and privileges” over protecting the lives of the vulnerable. We are converting real living breathing human lives into mere numbers and minimizing the value of the loss of even a SINGLE human life. We are boldly proclaiming religious persecution yet don’t even take the time to worship God in own homes. We are minimizing the experiences of our brothers and sisters of color and are failing to see the need to learn from their personal experiences. We are seeing those with different opinions on matters as our sworn enemies and viciously attacking them. We are putting leaders, politics, policies, and personal “freedoms” on a pedestal and defending them with “knee-jerk reactions”. We (collectively) are failing.

To echo the words of Pastor Dan Backens, “Our love is on trial”. Our love is on trial and we are failing. God is permitting our love to be tested, and we can’t see past our own selves to love those who don’t look like us, who don’t agree with us, or who don’t share similar histories as us. Our love is on trial and we are failing.

So, how is this a move of God? God is permitting all of this to happen. He is permitting a shaking… a shifting… a sifting. He is permitting us to be shaken to see what is really on the inside of us. He is exposing the worst parts of humanity right now as a wake-up call. He is seeing what it is that we really hold to be important. However, many of us are too distracted with our politics, our freedoms, and our own personal narratives to see what is happening. God is on the move, and we don’t see it. We are permitting ourselves to be divided along every line possible instead of holding onto love and loving others as ourselves.

The Bible is full of verses about love. I am sure we could spend hours quoting them. We all know that we are called to “love one another” and “all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13-25-36 NASB). But… how are we living this right now? Are we loving like Jesus loved us? Would someone know we were disciples if they judged us only on our love? If our love is on trial, then what is the verdict for our life?

I believe that THIS is a move of God. God is permitting a shaking. He is sifting us. He is seeing what REALLY lies within our hearts… what we REALLY hold important. And the truth is… we (collectively) are failing. However, it’s not too late. Let us realign with Him today. Let us lay aside those things we have put on a pedestal. Let us lay down our banners and affiliations, and remember we are called first to love. Love like He loved us. THIS is a move of God.

Stuck on Saturday...

I have been “marinating” on putting into words what the Lord has been speaking to me as I have been crying out to Him over the past week. What follows is those efforts.

Stuck on Saturday

This past week, we celebrated Holy Week as the commemoration and celebration of Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection from the grave. At my home church in Virginia, New Life Church, we hold a special Good Friday service known as a Tenebrae service (Latin for darkness).

A Tenebrae service is a very solemn service in which congregants are asked to focus on their sin and ultimately their own responsibility in Jesus’ crucifixion. As the service progresses, lights in the sanctuary are slowly extinguished until there is total darkness. The service is symbolic of the death and burial of Christ and it’s very heavy spiritually.

One leaves the service feeling the weight of their own sin and the heaviness of the realization that our personal sins sent Christ to the cross. However, despite that heaviness, a flame of hope still flickers knowing that Sunday is coming and with it the resurrection and celebration.

As I passed through the Tenebrae service and into Saturday, I began to ponder… what was that first Saturday of Holy Week like? What were the disciples and the other followers of Christ feeling and thinking after watching Him be savagely crucified and then buried? I imagined the doubt, the confusion, the anguish, the fear… they had just seen the Savior of the world crucified… but now what?!! What were they going to do? Where were they going to go? Why was this happening? Where was God?!!

I see such a parallel between that first Saturday of Holy Week and where we are currently as we navigate the COVID-19 pandemic. All around us is doubt.. insecurity.. fear.. We are questioning God’s goodness.. Why did this have to happen? Where is He in the midst of this? What are we going to do? We are worried about our livelihoods, our families, our friends, and uncertainty abounds. How long will this last?!!

We are stuck on Saturday. Just like that first Saturday of Holy Week. We are stuck in a place of the unknown where we aren’t really sure what’s going to happen next. All around panic, doubt, and fear are circling like sharks. What do we do?

We have an advantage over the early Christians that were experiencing that first Saturday. We KNOW that His crucifixion was NOT the end of the story. We KNOW that He WILL RISE again. We KNOW that His death was NOT the final chapter.

So, what do we do? We feed the flame. That tiny flame flickering inside that tells us we WILL come out on the other side of this pandemic. We stoke the fire. We hang on with everything we’ve got to the hope that WE KNOW that Sunday IS coming.

For me, I stoke my fire through worship. Putting on whatever song strikes me and just worshiping Him each day, pouring out my heart while taking a walk in the sunshine, or just sitting silently and gratefully in His presence. I am limiting my time on social media and the news, and reminding myself that HE IS STILL IN CONTROL. 

For you, it may look differently. But however it looks, keep feeding that flame of hope. Keep clinging to the hope that Sunday IS coming. All though we may be walking through the unknown, NOTHING is unknown to HIM.

Thank you for taking time to read my blog. If you would like to give financially to our ministry in Guatemala, please click the link: www.newstrengthgt.com/donate 

A Buoy on the Water

  This past weekend, my organization held a missionary retreat at a beach house on the Pacific coast. A precious team of individuals came from Canada to minister to us over the course of the weekend. It

Our GORGEOUS retreat site

was the fourth time that this specific team from Canada had come to minister at the retreat, and each of the members of the Canadian team has held a special place in my heart since meeting them four years ago.

  During the first session, the speaker challenged us to go “all in”. He challenged us to consider what it would look like if we went “all in” in every aspect of our lives (including our relationships with God) and to consider any obstacles which may be keeping us from going “all in”. At the end of the session, he challenged us to take a prophetic action to symbolize us going “all in”. He suggested jumping into the pool, or another symbolic act that would serve as a declaration that we were committing to go “all in”. I was undecided as to what action I would take and decided to let the Holy Spirit show me what to do.

 Following the first session, a friend and I walked out to the beach to talk. We shared our hearts, tears, doubts, fears, and plans for the future. As the conversation started drawing towards an end, something caught my eye in the water. Literally riding on top of the waves as if being pushed from behind was a buoy. This buoy was on a direct course towards us. It was being “pushed” at a remarkable speed and was being picked up by each passing wave and heading directly towards us.

The Beach

As I watched the buoy I heard the speaker’s words echo in my mind “will you go “all in”?”. Without missing a beat, I yelled “I’m going in. I’m going “all in”” and I jumped into the water and began to run towards the buoy as it in turn headed towards me. As I ran towards the buoy I realized that there were other missionaries on the beach watching this incident and briefly imagined what they may be thinking. I also considered briefly what would happen if the water got deeper before I reached the buoy (I was wearing regular clothing) but quickly decided that I would swim if needed to reach this buoy (having grown up on the beach swimming is not an issue for me).

Fortunately, swimming was not required all though my shorts definitely showed evidence of going “all in”. I grabbed the buoy and turned to walk out of the water with my “treasure from the sea”. As I walked out of the water, a smile spread on my friend’s face. “I’m not sure what this is all about, “ I said, “but I heard the words “will you go “all in”” and so I did.”

I carried the buoy back to the beach house and retold the story of seeing the buoy and hearing the words that sent me running into the waves. I received various words over what the event symbolized and decided to keep the buoy as a keepsake and a reminder to go “all in”.

If you know me, you know I have the tendency to do “crazy things”. Honestly jumping in the ocean

The Buoy

and chasing down a buoy is not something that most people would have a hard time imagining me doing. However, even I… a usually confident extrovert… did have some doubts in the midst of the stepping out. I thought about what the other missionaries would think/say. I worried about the depth of the water and getting my clothes wet. And honestly… some of the reactions of disbelief/”that’s silly” jabbed at my confidence a slight bit. I did think.. maybe this is just a “crazy thing”…

However, sometimes GOD CALLS US TO DO CRAZY THINGS… He calls us to step out… sometimes making a “fool of ourselves”… sometimes to be critiqued by other believers… to call us to go “all in”.

So, what about you? Are you willing to go “all in”? What would that look like for you? What may be holding you back? Are you concerned about what others may think/say?

Don’t be. Go all in. You won’t regret it.

…and maybe you’ll even get a funky buoy to put on a shelf to remind you of the crazy adventure that God has you on.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I appreciate having you on this journey with me.

-Meaghen

Who Am I... REALLY??

Who Am I… REALLY??

At Source of Hope we have four “I AM” statements that we use as teaching points during our class times and devotional times throughout the week. They are “I am clean”, “I am chosen”, “I am a child of God”, and “I am powerful”.  Each student at the school has a copy of these statements on a set of

The four "I AM" Statement cards

laminated cards that many of them wear on a lanyard around their necks. Honestly, sometimes we feel a little odd repeating the same values week after week and we find ourselves wondering if the students are actually “getting it”.

This Wednesday as we were preparing for our weekly discipleship group with the 7^th-9^th graders, Juanita, a third-grade student, walked into the missionary office.  Juanita often pops in to “help” us set up for devotional times or just to hang out after school for a bit. Like many of our students Juanita comes from a difficult family situation and she has faced numerous obstacles in her short life. A few years ago, Juanita’s father was murdered, and her mother abandoned her when the burden of raising her and her siblings became too great. Juanita came to the village to live with her aunt and started attending Source of Hope.

Playing Games during
Discipleship Groups

As Juanita was “helping” us prepare for the discipleship group, I explained to her that we were going to be talking about our identities, and more specifically our true identities (who God says we are). So, I asked Juanita… What is your true identity? Who are you REALLY? Without missing a beat, Juanita started rattling off the four “I AM” statements and telling me that she is a child of God, she is clean, she is powerful, and that she is chosen. Hearing those declarations coming from her mouth made me stop in my tracks.. and made me realize…

YES. THEY ARE GETTING IT. Despite all that she’s been through, she KNOWS WHO SHE REALLY IS. Despite all the other “identities” she could assume… abandoned, rejected, unwanted… she knows that her Heavenly Father loves her with an unconditional love and will NEVER reject her. He’s revealing His heart to them.

Susana is currently in 8^th grade at Source of Hope. Susana’s father abandoned her and her mother shortly after Susana was born because Susana was not born a male. Her father wanted a son, not a daughter. Growing up, Susana has struggled with feelings of worthlessness and her identity. She blamed herself and thought of herself as a mistake. However, Susana tells us that today she KNOWS that she is NOT a mistake. She KNOWS that she is a chosen child of God and that God has a plan for her life. Susana wants to graduate and study to become an attorney. Susana says she wants to help fight for children’s rights. She wants fathers to be involved in their children’s lives, and she feels that her experience with her own father will help her relate to others in similar situations.

Two Precious Daughters of the King

Often times, like Juanita and Susana we let ourselves be identified by our family situations, a painful past, what others say or have said about us, our jobs, our educational levels, or many things that are often outside of our own control. However, our TRUE identities lie in WHO GOD SAYS WE ARE…. He says that we are His children, we are loved, our pasts are forgiven, we have purpose, we are not mistakes, and that we have a future. Let us cling to that identity despite what the other voices may say. Let us remember our TRUE IDENTITIES and who we REALLY ARE.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it ministers to your heart, as it ministers to mine as I write it. Thank you for being with me on this journey.

In the midst of fire...

June 3, 2018 fell on a Sunday. Around three that afternoon my husband, Raul, lay napping in the bed and I lay beside him reading a book. We were enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon and preparing to gear up for the week ahead. I had tried to take a nap, but found myself unable to fall asleep.

When I started hearing the sirens, I barely noticed them. Sirens are a common occurrence here and unlike in the United States, they don’t always signify an emergency vehicle or any type of cause of alarm. (The ice cream man has his own siren here). It was when I started hearing the screams that the noise caught my attention. At first, I thought maybe there was a parade passing in front of our house. Parades here are also very common and it was a Catholic holiday on this day. Except, there was something different about these screams. These screams sounded terrified.

Our rental house is surrounded by a 12-foot concrete wall and one must walk approximately fifty yards across the garden to reach the gate that leads to the road in front of the house. As soon as I walked out the front door of the house, I saw it… a cloud that I still lack the words to adequately describe.

Living and working at the foot of an active volcano, one becomes accustomed to clouds of ash, tremors, explosions, and all sorts of “normal” volcanic activity on almost a daily basis. It is not uncommon for the volcano to shake the homes and buildings nearby or to puff out ash clouds from time to time. However, this cloud was NOT a normal ash cloud.

This dark brown churning cloud sent a chill down to my soul… it reached approximately 5 kilometers into the air, and was bearing down on us with a fury stronger than any southern thunderhead I had seen in my life… however… what was more terrifying was the fact that I could see that this cloud was actually COMING UP from the ground as it FLOWED down the riverbed that is approximately ½ mile from our home. This was not an ash cloud at all. I later learned that this was a pyroclastic flow which is a mixture of superheated gases (up to 1200 degrees Celsius), mud, and volcanic debris that can travel at speeds up to 200mph, can climb hills and riverbanks, and carbonizes any living thing caught in it’s path. I began screaming for Raul.

“Something bad is happening. We need to GO NOW!” I yelled. Raul, waking up from his slumber joined me on the porch and in a very relaxed and calm manner declared that it was JUST an ash cloud and we should just go inside and wait for it to pass over us. I, on the other hand, went into “emergency mode”, grabbed important documents, the dogs, and yelled for Raul to get in the truck. I tried to explain in rather poor Spanish (apparently stress effects my ability to speak Spanish) that this WAS NOT an ash cloud as it was coming UP FROM the ground and that I thought it was lava which was flowing in the riverbed now approximately 500 yards IN FRONT of our house. He must have noticed something in my frantic actions and/or inability to put words together in complete sentences and decided it was best to go along with my crazy plan. This video starts near the entrance to our house: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21t5Sh1dLg4  

When he opened the large gate to the house, what we saw in the street looked like a scene out of horror film. People filling the street, screaming, running for their lives… running from the giant cloud that was moving ever closer to us with each passing second. The screaming sirens, the sounds of people shouting, people screaming for help… all combined into a web of chaos as I had never previously experienced. As soon as we pulled the truck through the gate and into the road, we were surrounded by people begging for help.. begging for a ride. I yelled… “Get in!!” and people piled in as Raul shut the gate to the house. With approximately 15 people in the bed of the pickup truck, we quickly joined the flood of vehicles and people fleeing away from the quickly descending cloud. All I could think was “Is this real? Is this really happening? When am I going to wake up from this dream?”

We drove past crowds of people running, people begging for rides, and people crying out for help as we put distance in between ourselves and the giant cloud which still seemed to be getting closer to us despite us driving in the opposite direction. The people in the back of the truck were wailing, screaming, and crying out as we slowly moved ahead of the cloud.

When we reached Escuintla (about 8 miles away), we pulled into a McDonalds to let the people out of the pickup. That’s when we realized.. there was a badly burned woman and toddler that had been in the back of the pickup truck. (Graphic description to follow)*** The woman’s flesh was charred black and was peeling off of her arms, face, and chest as she sat propped up against the tailgate shaking and screaming with her arms in the air. Her clothing had melted to her. Her two year old daughter was in a similar state. Their screams filled the air surrounding the truck. ***The other people begged us to take her to the hospital (as if that was even an option in my mind). We immediately agreed to take them to the hospital.

 As we were about to pull off, three young boys who had also been in the truck came running up to the window crying hysterically. They explained that they had run from their home and jumped in the truck to get away. They said that their family, including their mother and siblings, had not fled their home and were still inside. We told them that we would take them to the hospital as well, and find someone to help them there.

Let’s just say that my experience as a police officer once again came in handy as we drove to the hospital in the most “efficient” manner possible. When we pulled into the emergency entrance, the crowd in front of the hospital turned and stared with mouths agape. As we explained to the onlookers, doctors, and nurses what had happened we quickly realized that they had no idea that there had been an eruption at all. We were the first to arrive from the scene of the eruption.

The badly burned young woman and toddler were carried inside, and a team of individuals quickly came to comfort the three young boys who had fled with us in the pickup. The young boys were embraced and reassured that everything would be done to reunite them with their families.  

As silence fell inside the truck, Raul and I just looked at each other… What now? We decided to go to a nearby shopping center and relax for a moment to gather our thoughts.

As we made phone calls and realized that we would NOT be returning to the house anytime soon, our support system of missionaries, friends, and family went into action. We immediately were invited to stay at a friend’s house in San Lucas, we were provided with clothes, toiletries, and basic items (we left with just the clothes on our backs). People rallied around us offering help from all directions. We were initially overwhelmed with the outpouring of support we received.

In front of the house. Volcano Fuego
can be seen over the rooftops. The curve
down the road is where COMPLETE
destruction took place. 

As the days passed, reality hit. There were tears, frustration, and confusion about what the next step should/would be. We did not know if we even had a home to return to. It was not until around the third day that we actually saw the front gate of the house on a newscast and it appeared that there had only been ash in front of the house. I literally jumped up and down screaming “We have a house!! We have a house!!”

We decided early on that we would not be able to return to live in our rental house. We knew that we would be in constant fear of another eruption and for our own safety and well-being we would need to find another home. However, we would try to get our belongings out of the house.

Over the past few weeks, we have been blessed to find a new rental house in a neighborhood about 25 minutes farther away from the volcano (that has access to waterparks!!). We have made three trips (with the help of brave friends) to move items from our previous house to the new house. We still have some things that we have yet to move.

Debris from the lahares following the eruption

The area where our previous rental house is located has been deemed uninhabitable and we have had to be very careful due to lahares (flows of boiling mud, large rocks, and volcanic material) that have also been flowing through the area of the previous house.

So, as I have had time to reflect on all that has happened in the past few weeks, I have asked God to show me where he was in the midst of the fire.. where was He when we were running for our lives from our house? Where was He when there was a burned woman and baby in the back of the truck? Where was He?

….and… He has shown me.. HE was right there with us… He showed me that HE used us to save the lives of that young woman and her toddler… He showed me that we were His hands for those we carried with us in the back of the truck... He is the one who kept me from falling asleep so that I would hear the sirens and screams and that we would be able to flee in time… He has been with us as our friends have been His hands and feet providing us clothes, toiletries, and a place to stay… and He CONTINUES to be with us as we return to a “new normal” of life. Even in the midst of the fire… GOD IS WITH US.

As we navigate the next few weeks, we continue to be ever so grateful for our support system, our friends, our families, and all of those who have reached out and prayed for us. THANK YOU. Thank you for your generosity, for reaching out to help, for being there to listen, and just for being good to us.  THANK YOU.

Blessings,

Meaghen

Marriage vs. The Flesh

Lately, I have felt God prompting me to write a post about marriage and some of my personal experiences over the past few months. Its a bit of a different direction for me, and I in no way claim to be an expert on the subject, but felt lead to share some insights that we can all relate to regardless of our relationship status. So, welcome to a little glimpse into my newly married life.

Smiling Together

My husband and I have been married for just over three months (I know.. not long at all). We are still in what I call the “getting used to you phase”. You know.. that phase where you realize that the  person does a million things differently than you... They mop the floor differently, they do laundry differently, they squeeze the toothpaste from the opposite end, and…. GASP they can’t read your mind and understand what you want (what is that?!!). Add to this that my husband and I do not share first languages (his first language is Spanish and mine is English) or even the same culture (he is Guatemalan and I am from the States) and the fact that we both have lived independently for long periods of times as adults and developed our own rhythms, our own schedules, and our own way of doing things and you have a glimpse of how the first few months of marriage have been for us. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had lots of laughter and we have grown closer in these months…  However, there is one lesson that I have learned that stands out more than any other to this point in our marriage...

That lesson in one short sentence … My flesh is ugly. Really ugly. It is impatient. My flesh wants to seek the best, most comfortable, most pleasurable, least inconvenient option for ME, MYSELF, AND I. My flesh begins whispering and critiquing and murmuring about something until my complete attitude has gone down the tubes. My flesh does not want to forgive.. it wants to hold onto the little hurts that happen in a relationship.. it wants to bring up past hurts and throw them back at my husband in some twisted form of self-defense. It does not want to serve him. It does not want to guard it’s tongue. It does not want to encourage. It does not want to put itself second.

In just these three short months, I have found that my flesh and my own selfish desires can be my biggest enemy and the biggest enemy to my marriage. So, what do I do? How do I combat my flesh?

I HAVE TO DIE TO MYSELF DAILY. Sometimes more frequently.. sometimes hourly.. or minute by minute if I'm being particularly pleasant that day. It’s not easy. It’s not pretty… and I fail regularly.

My Husband Serving Me

It’s not “natural” for us to put another person before ourselves (especially when they don’t mop the floor like us!) However, that’s what marriage requires. If we’re called to serve the other person or love the other person like Christ loves the church… it means we have to shove our flesh aside and love, serve, and honor them with an unconditional self-sacrificing love. Even when we don’t think they deserve it. Even when their actions and words are not reflecting that same unconditional self-sacrificing love towards us. That does not come naturally.

During my extended season of waiting (I was 35 when we married). I remember imagining my future marriage and daydreaming about waking up next to my prince charming, cooking dinner together, spending time together, and all those “romantic” things we imagine when we think about marriage. I remember asking God and wondering on multiple occasions WHY… WHY WAS I STILL SINGLE? WHY WAS I STILL WAITING? WHY HADN’T I GOTTEN MARRIED?

Now.. I realize. I was ENTIRELY too selfish. My flesh was entirely too strong.. and I was far from mature enough to embark into a marriage relationship where I would be required to put the other person first… listen to the other person’s thoughts and dreams…and love another person with a self-sacrificing unconditional love. I realized NOW that if I had married before God’s timing permitted it, it more than likely would have ended poorly.

A Hallmark Moment

Now, of course my husband and I DO have those Hallmark movie moments… when we run outside and dance in the pouring down rain… when we sit and have amazing communication over a relaxed breakfast, when time stands still and the feelings of love and joy rise up. But, there are also those times when I want to say hurtful things, when my patience runs thin, when I don’t understand why he can’t see the dust on the furniture or have a divinely inspired desire to empty the overflowing trashcan. Its during those moments when my flesh rises up that I must die to myself and extend the mercy and grace that doesn’t always come naturally.

So, a word to my ladies (and gentlemen) in waiting. We go through the waiting season so that we have time to grow and develop into the person that God wants us to be in our marriages. That doesn’t mean that we arrive in our marriages perfect, or that we don’t have struggles or difficulties in our marriages. But, that God is still working on us (and probably our future spouse) to be the best possible versions of ourselves that we can be. Embrace the waiting (even if you don’t understand why it’s taking so long). Let God work in you. You’ll be needing these things when you realize you’ve married someone who squeezes the toothpaste from the wrong end!

As I continue to permit God to use my marriage to mold me into a better version of me, I don’t pretend to get it all right. My husband and I are learning to be better “forgivers” and extend grace to

Us Being Goofy Together

each other (even when we don’t think the other deserves it). We are learning how to speak encouragement and life instead of words that tear down and destroy (in two different languages). And more than anything.. we are learning that a good marriage requires us to die to our flesh (however painful that may be) and love the other person more than ourselves.

It's Okay to Not Have it all Together...

"It's okay to not have it all together..." my dear friend counseled me as we sat under the trees in a shady spot in the grass. As her words sank into my heart the tears started as trickles and soon became full blown sobs.

Rehearsal in the Rain :) 

For the past few months, I have been trying to "keep it all together" and many times feeling like I was drowning beneath the pressure of all that is swirling around me. Since November I have gotten engaged, gotten married, started a new life WITH A HUSBAND... made two trips back to the States.. started a new school year... and been managing a position in full-time ministry. Yet, I've been trying to do it all and manage it all PERFECTLY.

It probably doesn't come as a surprise to many of you (especially you who know me well).. that I'm a perfectionist. (Gasp!! I know). I am the person that thrills over not just checking off  one item from the "to do list" but the whole list!! I am the person who will put in 16 hour work days just to "get it done and reach a deadline". I am the person who will stay late just to respond to that last minute email, or will work from home on Saturdays just to get ahead for Monday. That's me... and when I don't get it done... I feel... stressed... I feel like I'm not doing "good enough" or that "I could do more".

So, when my friend's words sank into my spirit... they struck a root that I didn't realize needed to be
severed. It touched a place that was born in an approval system hinging on my own personal performance, what I could do, what I could accomplish, and a place where striving in my own strength and abilities lives.

As I meditated on my friend's words during my prayer time that evening, I heard God whisper to my spirit... He said "I made you for this. I crafted you with an efficient laser focus, the ability to work hard, fast, and efficiently.. but you must do it from a place of rest.. not striving... not working to the point of exhaustion.. it's okay not to have it all together... it's okay not to get it all finished.. its okay to rest... it's okay to say no. "

As God spoke to my heart I started to mentally give myself permission to not do everything. I said to myself... "It's okay to not return the email until tomorrow. It's okay to not give in to every single need or plea for help. It's okay to say no to new commitments. It's okay to be normal. It's okay to fail. It's okay to stumble and get back up and try again. It's okay to not have it all together. I give myself permission to rest. I give myself permission to say no. I give myself permission to not have it all together."

Rest in Him 

If you're like me and trying to manage it all and get it all done.. take a moment... and go back and read the last paragraph outloud. Go ahead. Give yourself permission to not have it all together. Give yourself permission to rest. Give yourself permission to not be everything to everyone.

I have a small piece of paper on my refrigerator that serves as a reminder. It says... "You can do ANYTHING, but you can't do EVERYTHING". It's something I often need to remember. I can't do it all... I can't manage it all.. and I can't always have it all together... and THAT'S OK. I can be a hot mess, and rest in the Lord while His strength is made perfect in my weakness.